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Updated 26th May 2008
In This
Back Page Edition
The
Cardiologist and the Mechanic
Shopping
at Bunnings
The
Three Bears
Lie
Detector
Love
Story
The
Cardiologist and the Mechanic
A mechanic was removing the cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist
in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the
service manager to come to take a look at his bike when
the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want
to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where
the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic
straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine. I open it's heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, then put them back in. When I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make a pretty small
salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered
to the mechanic...." Try doing it with the engine running."
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Shopping
at Bunnings
Two men, one old and one young, are pushing their shopping
trolleys around Bunnings when they collide.
The old man says to the young man, 'Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.
'The young man says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting
a little desperate.'
The old man says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?'
The young man says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with
blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife
look like?'
The old man says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for
yours.'
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The
Three Bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the
table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's
been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from
the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do
I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy
Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone
in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night
and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the
floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in
the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.'
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the
cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their
water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE DARN PORRIDGE YET!!!'
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Lie
Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind
of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change. One day John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year
old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours
late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked
around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector,
now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called
Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When
I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
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Love Story
I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way
with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until
you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me
to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you
will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak
for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and
go get your flu shot!
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